x_punkkat

New laptop, fuck yeah!

School is out for the summer. I managed to pull B's in all but two classes. Biology Lab I got an A and in Chemistry, big surprise, a C. I don't know how I did it.. but I'm never doing it again. Lol, unless I work a whole lot less next time.

The days seem like they don't have enough time. I can't get the things I need to get done for lack of motivation. I am getting increasingly self conscious of my body and how I look everyday. I am on a continuous path of depression and feel the need to talk to Joel. Its really weird, but I feel he's the furthest thing that still understands me... in a way.I'm torn with everything in my life. I hate everything. I have no interest in anything.

I have problems with myself.

But, you all already know that.

I don't like me.

I will be the queen someday.

Why?

Because I am amazing. Anyone who can have me is lucky.. lucky they were able to open my mind and possibly my heart to get my attention. I give large amounts of love and I can learn to show someone affection. I am caring and I understand. I can comfort and make the world right again. I am everything you could ever need. All I have to give is myself and my love. And I want to give it to you. Am I wrong when I say no one can honestly resist me?

That is why someday I will be the queen. The queen who acquired her king in a lost, fucked up world when he saw the beauty in her.

The beauty in me will flourish.

Well I never have plans so I can't tell you what an amazing weekend I'm having because I don't know.
I have the same schedules every week and its work, work, work. School and my job work.

So here I am. Alive.

[:

I've gone from wanting the sex to just wanting that close cuddle feeling that might occur afterwards.
I want to feel the skin to skin touch like when two people rub their legs together..
I want to have that gaze place upon me of pure love and the ability to smile back knowing that I love them too.
I want to hold hands and feel complete.
I want to be done with life just so I know everything turned out okay.

I'm done with this. I'm done with living.

I feel like a lovesick fool just fooling myself. With no where to go and no one to see. I get my hopes up only to find myself fallen right back down. The anger builds manifested from no region.

I like ow songs reids me of what used to be. I get feelings that come up tjrpuhj my soul. Or the area I believe to be in inner feelings. I don't really know where my thoughts come from. I don't realy know what I want to do with my life. I really just wish I was somewhere off in my head. IN a place where I can call it my own where everyone I wanted was there. I didn't have to have a care in the world and I could just relax. I listen to songs such as What Is Love and it reminds me of my past. Feelings that I believe at this point probably weren't even real. I hate how I lost my only muse in life. I would ike to have feeling again. I want someone to love me but I have to be able to love them back. So its not so much that I want love its that I want to love someone.

And I'm keeping all that nonesense right there as it is because I just typed that fucker with my eyes close. Haaaa.

So I downloaded a bunch of songs just now and the ONE song I really wanted to listen to was all messed up. ]: Its just the fucking cherry on things.. lol.

So I have one last thing to do for English and all my homework is generally done.. and I'm here avoiding it still.

Basically this is me checking in.

My body has a craving.

Ohwellfuck.

I'm at my 'lunch'. I was suppose to only work till eight, but someone called in so I'm closing.. yay? ]: Oh well. I worked out last night and I'm doing it again tonight! Mandy and I are going to try real hard to keep up some exercising at least four times a week. While I have been losing weight.. I'm still fat and she's actually gained like ten pounds. Lol. You can't tell though, so whatever.

I started school yesterday and here's my schedule:
MWF
Biology 111 Nat. History of Life [Bio Workshop Friday, no lecture]
Government 343 Congress
Chemistry 112 Gen. Chem II

TTH
English 211 Rhetoric of Pop Culture
Math 120 Intermediate Algebra

Monday night I have my Biology lab and Wednesday nights I have my Chemistry lab. Yeeep.

MWF seem fun, but TTH do not. ]: I'm sad. English is a wait and see class.. because she seems okay but there's a whole lot of bitch hidden in there I can tell. Ha.

That's all I really have time to say.. love love love.

I threw up last night.. about five times all together.. because I can't have vicodin. So I ended up taking some Ibuprodsjijghdjk from my grandma. Lol. I kept crying yesterday for whatever reason. I don't really know. I ate things but I threw it all up and on my mom's new carpet. I feel bad...

bah.

I hate this week with all of my being.

Book meme
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people.

"I found Miss Westenra in seemingly gay spirits. Her mother was present, and in a few seconds I made up my mind that she was trying all she knew to mislead her mother and prevent her from being anxious. I have no doubt she guesses, if she does not know, what need of caution there is. We lunched alone, and as we all exerted ourselves to be cheerful, we got, as some kind of reward for our labours, some real cheerfulness amoungst us."

Tagging:

Anyone who reads this.. I don't know who reads this anymore, lol.

I think I am going to try and become a psychiatrist.

Wish me luck?

So... we might be going to Dallas, after all, to the most amazing water park to me?

Let me know if you can still go.. blah

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want — good or bad. Or just made up. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

So. I want a new phone. My current one is slowly dying. I could probably hold onto it for another year, but I really just want a new phone. These phones with keyboards are drawing me in..

Obviously though, that's completely irrelevant. Why talk about a phone when you are supposed to be talking about yourself? Phone is defining who you are!.. fah.

ANYWAY. Sebastian went back to school today/yesterday [17th]. Yay for him.

... Wait. Pause. I have just noticed that this Ad to the right is telling me I have a new crush from Albuquerque. This is the second time this computer has given me something about Albuquerque as if I am from there. The internet obviously has no idea where I live. But does know I am in New Mexico. Lawlz. Silly interwebz.

I would like to have more money. I have to pay for my car I don't drive this month. I really wish that Richard would have told us he wasn't going to be able to pay it on time before it wasn't on time anymore. However, I am going to wait till friday to pay it since that is when I will get paid and it makes me really said to see my account being drained by so much at one time.. so I'll wait for the pillow to be set before I jump off the cliff.

I'm getting fat. But not really.. just sort of bulking up? It's.. not too pleasant to my state mind, because to me it's fat. It's really muscle. However. I do not care. It's bigger. Big is not good. I'mma looka like a man. CRY. Not really, I'm just a whiney bitch.

I really feel like getting rid of everything in my room and just buying a whole new set of shit. All that furniture has got to go. And more than half of all the clothes. I don't wear them. I should sign up for eBay. It doesn't look like I'm setting up a garage sale any time soon. And no, I won't give them away... good money was paid for all this crap, maybe I would like to see some of that come back to us. Rather me. I want more money. Greedy whore.

If anyone see a Sailor Moon R boxset laying around, [Which is Season 2 of Sailor moon, preferably the blue bulky one by ADV with eight DVDs.], PICK IT UP AND BUY IT. Then call me and send it to me and I will some how pay you back. For the love of god, it has been my mission as of a few weeks ago to get that.. and I'm crying inside because I can't find it. [Oh, and season 3 would be nice too. That's Sailor Moon S.] I already have 4 and 5. And 1. ;-;

I think I should go away now this is too much..

I'm alive.

I have Rock Band.

My mom is currently singing Flyleaf.